The Basic Thing

When my son was little, he used to ask me a baffling question: "What's the basic thing about X?" (For X, substitute anything you can think of: cheeseburgers, The Flintstones, going to the movies. I got all those questions and many, many more.) It's a harder question than you might imagine. I didn't realize this at first--I thought, well, the basic thing about a cheeseburger is the burger. But without the cheese, of course, it's just a burger. So perhaps the basic thing is cheese. But no. A slice of cheese alone does not a cheeseburger make.

I started thinking about this yesterday, when I started to write an essay on character that I was asked to contribute to Center, the literary magazine published by the graduate writing program at the University Of Missouri. But the more I've thought about it, the more I've realized how tricky it is to identify the basic thing about anything. For example, parenting.

Yesterday I was helping my son get ready for school when my husband pointed out that while I was away at Ragdale, our kids got themselves ready for school every single morning. I know they're completely capable of doing this--they're certainly old enough--but I've been in the habit of helping out since they were small people. So now I do it without even thinking about whether it's really necessary, or if it's of benefit to them.

My husband and I grew up in very different families. I had a hands-on stay at home mom and a working dad; my husband had two working parents and two much younger siblings that he was responsible for much of the time. I think he knew more about being a parent when he left home for college than I did when we had children of our own. Still, I have to question whether being a hands-off parent is the basic thing about good parenting. There were mornings while I was gone, I've heard, where my husband wound up driving the kids to school because they'd missed their bus. So what's more important: teaching them to take care of themselves, or teaching them that operating on a schedule is an important part of life? (I really don't want my kids to be like the students who wander into my classroom ten minutes late every day and fail to see why this is an issue.)

Ideally, of course, they'd learn both lessons. But if I have to choose between the two, I'm going to teach my kids that maintaining a schedule is a matter of respect. When my daughter called from the bus stop a few weeks ago to tell me she'd just realized that she forgot to put on makeup before she left the house, I told her she'd have to go to school as she was. I wouldn't agree to drive her to school after she'd come home and finished getting ready; that was something she had to learn to do in the time between waking up and leaving for the bus. When she did the same thing earlier this week, she didn't even bother to call home. She knew her main responsibility was getting herself to school on time, and that's what she did--even though it meant letting people see what she looks like without eyeliner.

Kids make mistakes, of course. When they miss the bus after school, very occasionally, I don't tell them to make the long walk home along a busy street; I go pick them up. But they're apologizing to me the minute they get in the car. They know they've messed up. They don't assume they're entitled to miss the bus once in awhile, that I should be available to pick them up. They respect the fact that I have a schedule, too, that I'm responsible for being other places and doing other things. But they also know that they will always come first, when they really need my help.

So maybe that's the basic thing about being a parent: making sure your children understand that they're always your first priority, that this is a privilege not all children share, and that they therefore shouldn't abuse that privilege arbitrarily. This is something we can help them understand by letting our kids know we have faith in their ability to be responsible for themselves--and providing backup when, inevitably, they fail. Or by making sure our kids show respect for others by being where they're supposed be, on time--and providing backup when, inevitably, they fall behind.

Well, look at that: providing backup. The basic thing.